ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
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when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
her: ma’am, can I help you?
me: I’m just waitin for church
her: for what? ma’am are…
*produce sprinkler turns on*
me: shh! It’s time, lettuce spray.
her: [bows head respectfully]
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
“And then the Bears mauled Goldilocks to death and ate her, reminding us that home invasion never has a happy ending.”
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the person whose name I’ve forgotten.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here