@meganamram

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

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@ArfMeasures

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

@mostlysharks

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

@DitzMcGeee

[grocery shopping]

her: ma’am, can I help you?
me: I’m just waitin for church
her: for what? ma’am are…
*produce sprinkler turns on*
me: shh! It’s time, lettuce spray.
her: [bows head respectfully]

@GreenishDuck

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

@iamspacegirl

“And then the Bears mauled Goldilocks to death and ate her, reminding us that home invasion never has a happy ending.”

@c12h22o11balls

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

@KevinFarzad

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the person whose name I’ve forgotten.

@UncleDuke1969

[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”

@JohnLyonTweets

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

@jonnysun

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here