Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
You Might Also Like
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
im all 3
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?