Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

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Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average


Couch: $300 TV: $1000 Chips: $3. The look on your face when you don’t have electricity: Priceless


WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling


Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.


I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.


“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”


Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes


Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.


“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”

ME: No, you’re still grounded

“No fair!”

ME: Yes, that’s what I said