NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
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Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.