NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
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A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Just this preview of the story is enough
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
My life in a nutshell
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.