noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
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Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”