Don’t be an ass, be an arse. Do it with class.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
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I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
4 yo: Mommy, it feels so good. Me: What does? 4 yo: To be a gangster. Me: … Go tell your father I said to come here.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
When buying baked goods I always ask myself, “are you prepared to eat this in the parking lot?”
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”