NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
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Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.