NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH: what

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I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean


4 yo: Mommy, it feels so good. Me: What does? 4 yo: To be a gangster. Me: … Go tell your father I said to come here.


funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one


When buying baked goods I always ask myself, “are you prepared to eat this in the parking lot?”


[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you


Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.


COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?


COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.


For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.


*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”