noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
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I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?