Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

mandolin: finally a violin for men

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

Tony Hawk, age 6

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”

Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.