@treydayway

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

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@missekay

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Check out that car. It has 400 horses.

5-year-old: Where does all the poop go?

@causticbob

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

@envydatropic

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

@dumbbeezie

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

@ArfMeasures

GOD: *creates ant* I’m so pleased with this

ANT: You could say you’re triumphANT lol

GOD: *creates anteater*

@DadandBuried

Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!

– Nuns N’ Moses

(I’m so sorry)

@SigneSaysSo

My pants are so tight I’m legitimately afraid they won’t fit if I miss a day of shaving my legs.

@poutinesmoothie

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

@Brainy_Bear

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.