Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
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This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
peeping toms
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.