Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

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*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*


Me: Check out that car. It has 400 horses.

5-year-old: Where does all the poop go?


I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.


They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog


I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married


GOD: *creates ant* I’m so pleased with this

ANT: You could say you’re triumphANT lol

GOD: *creates anteater*


Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!

– Nuns N’ Moses

(I’m so sorry)


My pants are so tight I’m legitimately afraid they won’t fit if I miss a day of shaving my legs.


If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.


The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.