@richkidelii

Nobody decline a call faster then a 3 year old watching YouTube

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@sarcasticmommy4

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

@kirbys4losers

I can feel you getting distant from me; my only wish for you is that your destination is oncoming traffic.

@ilovepie84

Your quarantine name is:
The colour of your underwear followed by the last thing you ordered on Amazon

@skickwriter

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

@Barknado69

[Sex Shop]

Worker: can I help you?

Me: Yes can I get um.. *fumbles with piece of paper* one sex please

@haleysfalling

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

@TheIronSherk

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

@Kristen_Arnett

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

@TheAlexNevil

Can’t wait to one day be a grandparent, to see my adorable grandson misbehave, then look at my son and say “Annoying, huh?”

@whatmaddness

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff