@richkidelii

Nobody decline a call faster then a 3 year old watching YouTube

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@JessObsess

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.

@KKAlThani

The girl at the table next to me is having a salad. Not as a starter, but as a main course like some kind of rabbit.

@3sunzzz

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

@Sickayduh

[NBA Postgame]
*LeBron wearing his fake glasses*

“Questions? Yes, Lois Lane from Daily Planet”

“Yeah hi. I’ll wait til LeBron comes out”

@rockymomax

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

@missekay

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

@murrman5

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip