If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Nobody decline a call faster then a 3 year old watching YouTube
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I can feel you getting distant from me; my only wish for you is that your destination is oncoming traffic.
Your quarantine name is:
The colour of your underwear followed by the last thing you ordered on Amazon
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Worker: can I help you?
Me: Yes can I get um.. *fumbles with piece of paper* one sex please
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Can’t wait to one day be a grandparent, to see my adorable grandson misbehave, then look at my son and say “Annoying, huh?”
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff