I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Nobody decline a call faster then a 3 year old watching YouTube
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The girl at the table next to me is having a salad. Not as a starter, but as a main course like some kind of rabbit.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Hmm, not sure about this change
*LeBron wearing his fake glasses*
“Questions? Yes, Lois Lane from Daily Planet”
“Yeah hi. I’ll wait til LeBron comes out”
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip