“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
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Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit