I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
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“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
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Admin smashed it 😂
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him