Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

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I’m not normally a name-dropper but Tiger Woods asked me to start his car in the dream I just had.


Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh


“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer


man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single


There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.


My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.


Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom


Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber