I’m not normally a name-dropper but Tiger Woods asked me to start his car in the dream I just had.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
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Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
man: you’re beautiful
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I’m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber