@ObscureGent

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

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@SondraDeeMe

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

@jazz_inmypants

MOM: gnight ūüôā sleep tight ūüôā don‚Äôt let the bed bugs bite ūüôā

[later]

BED BUG: *tries to bite me*

ME: sorry bedbug my mom said no

BED BUG: julia said that? wow i thought she was cool

@ArfMeasures

HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

@Mikecanrant

Legally, if a woman is wearing hoop earrings that are as big as the side of her face, you are allowed to hurl a basketball at her head.

@Stellacopter

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

@TweetPotato314

Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.

Me: OMG, what!?

Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.

Me: Phew.

Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!

@david8hughes

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

@PinkCamoTO

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

@SamGrittner

*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]