@ObscureGent

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

You Might Also Like

@capnwatsisname

SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?

@Parkerlawyer

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

@ShortSleeveSuit

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

@Mardigroan

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

@Makola_Bohlatse

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

@iGreenMonk

This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down.

I bet he never tried smashing it over someone’s head.

@NothingOnNeecie

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

@ItsAndyRyan

Ladies, if he’s:
– Possessive
– Confusing
– Never where he’s supposed to be
…He’s not your man. He’s an apostrophe

@WigCannon

your call is important to us. like, super important. we all bought new outfits for this call. dave is wearing a wig

@BritXNic

Who needs Karate lessons when you can just have a bee near your head?