@ObscureGent
@RobertJrDowney
If Twitter was invented by a woman, The character limit would be 10,000 characters.
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@RobertJrDowney
@Staggfilms
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
@scrappy_momma
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
@ThisLocalHater
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
@DamonHunzeker
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
@DaveWeasel
The words ‘selfie’ and ‘twerk’ have been added to the dictionary this year while ‘charm’ and ‘dignity’ have been removed.
@tweetsbyrocket
me: im terrified of vowels
therapist: why?
me: only sometimes
@rebrafsim
Me: cut, cut! okay dammit, what’s my motivation here?
Judge: I assume you don’t want to go to jail, and if you say cut again I’m holding you in contempt
@Skoog
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
@HenpeckedHal
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
