@ObscureGent
@SondraDeeMe PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
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@SondraDeeMe 
@jazz_inmypants MOM: gnight 🙂 sleep tight 🙂 don’t let the bed bugs bite 🙂
[later]
BED BUG: *tries to bite me*
ME: sorry bedbug my mom said no
BED BUG: julia said that? wow i thought she was cool
@SquidDad I am dying
@ArfMeasures HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
@Mikecanrant Legally, if a woman is wearing hoop earrings that are as big as the side of her face, you are allowed to hurl a basketball at her head.
@Stellacopter If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
@TweetPotato314 Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
@david8hughes [skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
@PinkCamoTO *First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
@SamGrittner *opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]