Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

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SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?


I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.


WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling


She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.


Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?


This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down.

I bet he never tried smashing it over someone’s head.


We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.


Ladies, if he’s:
– Possessive
– Confusing
– Never where he’s supposed to be
…He’s not your man. He’s an apostrophe


your call is important to us. like, super important. we all bought new outfits for this call. dave is wearing a wig


Who needs Karate lessons when you can just have a bee near your head?