Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
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I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
How to wake up a Beagle
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Become ungovernable.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
My teenage children choosing violence
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall