Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
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My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop