Nobody ever collects famous first words.
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How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
This cat wants you to take your pills
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
“I’d like to speak with a manager”