Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
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Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
i wish i could marry a nap
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’