dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
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The first rule of parenting is: never negotiate with terrorists.
holy crap a guy actually gave me his number and i didn’t know what to do so i panicked and sent him a picture of a dead bird?
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Me: Will you marry me?
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.