Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
cat vs inanimate object
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma