Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.

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Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror


[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*


~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE


You have to appreciate the microwave when the directions on a frozen meal say, “Cook on High for 2 minutes. Or put it in a conventional oven for five days.”


A gentle reminder that as a duck billed platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is unusual in that it could make it’s own custard.


waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine


Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri “What do women want?”

She’s been talking nonstop for the last two days now.


It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.


Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.