@prufrockluvsong

Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.

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@Shesnotkiddin

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

@UnFitz

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

@Holy_Mowgli

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

@curlycomedy

You have to appreciate the microwave when the directions on a frozen meal say, “Cook on High for 2 minutes. Or put it in a conventional oven for five days.”

@MattKrahe

A gentle reminder that as a duck billed platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is unusual in that it could make it’s own custard.

@drankturpentine

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

@Scdavis24

Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri “What do women want?”

She’s been talking nonstop for the last two days now.

@1Happytwit

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

@LuvPug

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.