Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.

You Might Also Like


dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy


holy crap a guy actually gave me his number and i didn’t know what to do so i panicked and sent him a picture of a dead bird?


Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.


Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook


“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.


Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???


IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?


Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now


As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.