Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
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Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Holy shit he’s back
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago