Just saw a dolphin with a tattoo of a college girl struggling for individuality and freedom from her middle class parents
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
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Any time I see a pic of Princess Leia’s hair I get a craving for a cinnabon
Her: I like bad boys
Me: Could you hang on a minute?
*Returns 20 minutes later just soaked in blood*
Me: Go on…
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.