@RidiculousSheri

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

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@ElizaBayne

Just saw a dolphin with a tattoo of a college girl struggling for individuality and freedom from her middle class parents

@KMDrunner

Any time I see a pic of Princess Leia’s hair I get a craving for a cinnabon

@jamdugg

*first date*

Her: I like bad boys

Me: Could you hang on a minute?

*Returns 20 minutes later just soaked in blood*

Me: Go on…

@flashember

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

@xosm

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

@bartandsoul

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

@fightforfood

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

@panmidwest

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

@AtticusFinch79

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

@outsmartedmommy

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.