“You’re like a brother to me”
First of all, I’m a Lannister
Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.
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More than eighty percent of the world records I hold are for making shit up.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
Getting a woman:
1.Select the woman u like
2. Lick her face
3. She is now yours take her home
I’ve been arrested 10 times
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I will never tire of sending random messages like this to random numbers
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.