The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
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Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.