@kelkulus

Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.

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@t0m_t0m

“You’re like a brother to me”

First of all, I’m a Lannister

@Underchilde

More than eighty percent of the world records I hold are for making shit up.

@InternetHippo

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

@JohnnyCrash5

Getting a woman:

1.Select the woman u like
2. Lick her face
3. She is now yours take her home

HAHAHAHAHAHA

I’ve been arrested 10 times

@shariv67

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

@decentbirthday

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

@NicktheDrummy

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

@AlexRogaski

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

@adamhess1

I will never tire of sending random messages like this to random numbers

@Tmoney68

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.