@TomSchally

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

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@sixfootcandy

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

@kate_smithxx

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

@KimmyMonte

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

@fleshcake

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

@bylinetd

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

@rickygervais

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.

@RocketRankoon

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

@JohnHilsen

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.