@TomSchally

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

You Might Also Like

@GrantTanaka

sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic

@BunAndLeggings

1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.

@janinebrito

*me on my deathbed, surrounded by loved ones*
“This has been a good life, I’m so happy to go peacefu-

*Linkedin comes crashing through the wall*
“DEBRA WOULD LIKE TO ADD YOU TO HER PROFESSIONAL NETWORK!”

@vikkaroni

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

@Tmoney68

*the fog lifts*

*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*

*the fog does cardio*

*the fog is fit af*

@karanlyons

ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.