Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
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Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
me, an intellectual: uncle
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.