sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
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1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
Me:Oh my God….
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
A cop that contemplates his existence:
*me on my deathbed, surrounded by loved ones*
“This has been a good life, I’m so happy to go peacefu-
*Linkedin comes crashing through the wall*
“DEBRA WOULD LIKE TO ADD YOU TO HER PROFESSIONAL NETWORK!”
There are four main food groups:
Celery is just spoons for people so hungry they’d eat their spoons
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!