Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
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{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Cats (2019)
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen