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If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
True.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”