@MizzusT

Nobody in their forties looks forty, you either look young or like 83

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@RidiculousSheri

“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Pizza”

“My new boyfriend who?

“No. Pizza”

“My future husband who?”

“No.”

“Playing hard to get who?”

@meganamram

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

@roxiqt

THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?

ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook

@Inferno_V

Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

@2tickytacky

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

@OllyiConic

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

@Furry_Beaver

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

@Ygrene

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

@leobunty

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone