Nobody in their forties looks forty, you either look young or like 83

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“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”


“My new boyfriend who?

“No. Pizza”

“My future husband who?”


“Playing hard to get who?”


At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game


THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?

ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook


Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.


I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.


[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney


My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.


[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”


assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone