Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
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held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
At least he brought enough for everyone
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
I saw nothing
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.