Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
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are there any atheist mantises?
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.