Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
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Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.