Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
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Go girl power!
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*