Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
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After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Going into Monday like
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”