To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
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[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
She puts the hot in psychotic
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
The days of good grammer has went
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?