Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
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[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Wednesday
Is this the real life?
Is this just
grotesque if literal: baby food
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while