NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
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ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
This is a sub tweet
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.