Do the curtains match the carpet?
*me flirting with bald men
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
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Every time I think I’ve got the perfect family they escape.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Joe: Yes, that was me.
Obama: Please stop.
Joe: I will not stop. This room will smell so bad when he gets here.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
[Turns to stranger at McDonald’s]
So what you gonna get?
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”