@theshantilly

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

You Might Also Like

@Oncefallen

Every time I think I’ve got the perfect family they escape.

@NewDadNotes

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

@aaronpaul_8

Joe: Yes, that was me.

Obama: Please stop.

Joe: I will not stop. This room will smell so bad when he gets here.

Obama: Joe…

Joe: Nope.

@OilCan314

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

@ArfMeasures

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

@HlaoRoo

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

@kibblesmith

Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray

@TheHyyyype

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”