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Every time I think I’ve got the perfect family they escape.


Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.


Joe: Yes, that was me.

Obama: Please stop.

Joe: I will not stop. This room will smell so bad when he gets here.

Obama: Joe…

Joe: Nope.


I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.


Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes


NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.


Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray


[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”