Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
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DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.