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Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?


A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.


Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.


My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.


ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted


I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.


“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.


Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.


Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe