@BrentTerhune

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

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@shkeeber

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

@copymama

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

@Bexdora

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

@panmidwest

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

@OtherDanOBrien

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted

@Donna_McCoy

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

@UnFitz

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

@JohnLyonTweets

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

@IamJackBoot

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe