Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
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*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Camping tip: No.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶