[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
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Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Waiter: what can I get you gentlemen
Friend: I’ll have a hamburger and he’ll have th-
Me: -dude I’m an adult I can order myself
Friend: okay sorry go ahead
Me: 69 orders of french fries please
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!