nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
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If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.