Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
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Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
and this one
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God