South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

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Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.


I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.


[ At the grocery store ]

Cashier: Is that everything?

Me: Nope. I got all this invisible shit, too


Me: (sliding a $50 bill in my palm over) What do you say we call it 175 and move on?
Nurse: Sir, just please step on the scale.


I always wear black. That way I’m ready, at any given moment, for an impromptu night out or your funeral, whatever.


Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well


Boss: Hey, you feel like working overtime?

*Leaps into garbage compactor*


Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”


imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck


Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’