Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
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Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
my name if I was in the mob
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I have a black belt in leather
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
The 6 types of sex
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March