@E_Ville13

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

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@thatUPSdude

I keep my car insurance deductible high just to help me fight the urge from side swiping people that don’t use a blinker.

@Lola_Areola

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

@iwearaonesie

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

@t0shiba

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

@deedles420

Ryan Gosling’s 37, can we all just cut the crap, & call him Ryan Goose now?

@ReticentTurnip

GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now

@AbbieEvansXO

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

@Ristolable

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it