Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
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sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.