I keep my car insurance deductible high just to help me fight the urge from side swiping people that don’t use a blinker.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
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Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Ryan Gosling’s 37, can we all just cut the crap, & call him Ryan Goose now?
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it