Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
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I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)