I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
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Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
consequences, the bane of my existence
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….