“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
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[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.