A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
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My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”