Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
You Might Also Like
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Cndnsd Mlk
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”