Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
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Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.