Nobody warned me that my child could possibly develop an attitude similar to mine.

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*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*


Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?


Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.

Fibula: Silently plots revenge.


It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.


Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.


Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached


Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire


[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome


Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?