@TheWadest

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

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@FellowIdle

Manager just called me ‘part of the problem’, and I feel so offended.

Mostly, I’m the whole problem.

@Home_Halfway

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

@MorticiaKate

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching

@AristotlesNZ

Cop: “You been drinkin?”
Me: I’m going to dinner w/my wife’s mom & 94yo granny
“You’re free to go..”
Come on dude. Can’t you just arrest me?

@Extranaut

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

@TheMadShattter

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

@JeremyKCMO

As a 37 year old man, I feel like I should know how to spell Febuary.

@HeyZeus666

Freudian Slip.

What Freud wore under his skirt when he cross dressed on weekends.

@TheTweetOfGod

Retweet this and you’ll go to heaven. Yes, the standards are now that low.