Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
You Might Also Like
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
lol
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.