Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
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I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.